“Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth.” (Proverbs 5:18)

Marriage

Labor of Love?

As Larry and Lisa approached the midway point of their first decade as Mr. and Mrs., they each began to realize some things about their relationship. It wasn’t what they thought it would be. It wasn’t what they hoped it would be. It wasn’t what it started out to be. It mostly wasn’t.

Larry was disappointed by Lisa’s disinterest in him. She rarely asked sincere questions about his job. She rarely smiled at him. Rarer still was her interest in using the bed for anything other than sleep. She complained more and more all the time. She kept herself very busy. And maybe the most painful of all was her constant belittling, carping, and nagging. She wasn’t a happy woman.

Lisa was lonely. She felt neglected. She felt like Larry’s roommate, his maid, sometimes even his prostitute. He could get very excited about his work, his team, and his golf, but his wife bored him. She noticed how he would talk for hours with his friends, but transformed into the world’s greatest one-line-manufacturer when intercoursing with her. Oh, and, intercourse with her couldn’t have been further from his mind if he lived on Pluto.

Then someone recommended a couple of books, and they began to realize that their expectations were way out of biblical whack. Marriage is not about happiness, it’s about holiness, they learned. They had been looking for love in all the wrong places. Silly them, they were searching the love & intimacy sections when they should have been looking under character development. Suddenly it all made sense. They had a renewed vision for their marriage. They had new ambitions. They had hope.

Larry began to pray earnestly to lose his desire for her partnership in life. He didn’t want to be selfish that way. He sought to bless her and be kind to her with no thought of what she was or wasn’t doing in return. He prayed for contentment. He prayed for patience with her complaining and nagging. He prayed for the gift of encouragement so he could help her in all the activities she was pursuing. And he prayed for a radical reduction in his sexual yearnings. No longer pursuing happiness, he now only wanted to be sanctified by their marriage.

Lisa’s seeking was similar. She sought comfort in her solace, constantly reminding herself that Jesus was her all-sufficient companion. She prayed for joy in serving her neglectful husband. She retrained her thinking to find pleasure in offering her body to him, even if he didn’t show any interest in taking it. She encouraged him to spend more time with his friends, more time at work, and more time watching ESPN. She, too, wanted only to be sanctified by their marriage.

Larry and Lisa had finally found the secret of a godly marriage: lower expectations. They would no longer expect any happiness except the happiness that comes from disappointment. They would no longer expect any pleasure except the pleasure that comes from sacrificing. They would no longer expect any companionship except the companionship that comes from solitude.

Mere Marriage?

If that’s the secret to marriage, then somebody should tell all of the spouses-to-be. Quick! Tell the future wives to set aside their dreams of a close friend, a romantic lover, and a lifelong cherisher. Tell the future husbands to set aside their pursuit of a willing helpmate, an encouraging admirer, and a passionate pleasure-partner. Marriage is about sticking it out. It’s about self-denial. It’s about endurance. It’s about long-suffering. It’s about the painful process of becoming more righteous and selfless. Doesn’t that sound great? No wonder people are getting married all the time. Who wouldn’t long for that kind of relationship?

I’m being a little facetious. But only a little. Such a view of marriage simply doesn’t do justice to the biblical portrait. Is there no sweetness in the Savior? Is there no delight in the Deliverer? Is there no happiness in the Holy One? Of course there is. He is our abundant life. He prepares a banquet in our honor. In His right hand are pleasures forevermore. He sees us, knows us, fills us, rejoices over us, and delights in us. Union with Christ is surely more than happiness, but it is not less. And it is that union which human marriage represents.

We must remember that just like everything else, marriage was created for Christ. And just like everything else, it exists for His supremacy. But a dichotomy which pits holiness against happiness is unnecessary and can lead toward a “grin and bear it” attitude as if we should simply resign ourselves to the fact that it’s for our good (kind of like going to the dentist).

As a picture of Christ’s love for His people, marriage is certainly a sanctifying tool. But it was not intended to be drudgery. It was designed to be more than merely tolerated and survived.

God’s Design for Marriage

Here’s the point: If you are married, your relationship exists to exalt Christ. Yes, you do that by pursuing holiness. But that is not unique to marriage. What is unique to marriage is the husband’s responsibility to show his wife how wonderful Christ is, how lavish His grace, kindness, generosity, gifts, romance, pleasure, strength, security, and blessing are. This, of course, requires him to become increasingly holy and selfless, but not merely for his own sanctification. He must seek her good, her joy, her delight. He is to show her Christ’s love.

Larry must not remain content with mediocrity. He must give Christ first place in his marriage by being Christ to his wife. He must love, cherish, nourish, provide for, protect, and sanctify her. That’s his role and calling as a husband. Lisa must also put Christ first in their marriage by representing the Bride of Christ. She must respect, honor, and admire Larry. She must seek to help and encourage him. She must pursue relational and sexual intimacy, seeking to know and to be known. She must join him in showing one another the glory of the grace of Jesus. There is no mere resignation in that kind of ambition. They will both be grinning alright, but not as a result of merely bearing with one another.

We know this instinctively. It’s not simply cultural inculcation or tradition that form the great wonder and anticipation two people experience on the day of their wedding. Brides and grooms dream big. They imagine glorious days ahead in which they can finally be together in wedded bliss. Even in a fallen world, our matrimonial imaginations run wild.

Why? Because if there is any situation in which a person ought to enjoy the benefits of Jesus Christ, it’s in the very relationship given to exemplify His gracious love. Consider that the Spirit of God inspired an entire book on the topic of marital pleasure. To be sure, the Song of Songs sings of that which is holy, righteous, and good. But it’s also that which is intensely pleasurable, alluring, and desirable.

When marriage fails to deliver, it’s because one or both of the partners have failed to be intentional in exalting Christ. A browbeating, inattentive, abdicating husband does not exalt Christ. Nor does a rebellious, loose-lipped, withholding wife. Nor do two people limping along, trying to get by and avoid divorce or adultery. Marriage was created to glorify and honor Jesus Christ. Every couple should strive for nothing less than that.

Christ Can Make Your Marriage More Christ-Like

I will readily admit that marriage provides regular opportunities to become more holy and more selfless (all the more so for my beloved wife). And I understand that God’s will for our lives is our sanctification. But in marriage, one of the most significant elements of our holiness should be our anticipation of eternity with Christ, our everlasting blessedness. A Christian marriage shows itself as set apart from worldly marriages when it mirrors this blessedness. Consider a man who shows great self-restraint at the constant verbal bludgeoning he receives from his wife. He doesn’t slap her in response, and he genuinely wants to love her in spite of her sin. Does that reflect Christlikeness? Of course. But he should do that with every woman. She is not every woman, she is his wife. His desire should be for them both to enjoy an earthly foretaste of heavenly bliss. Currently, their marriage tastes bitter. He should be praying for the Spirit of God to show him how to be Christ to her, whether that requires him to rebuke her (always messy and never fun), teach her (always involving hard work), romance her (always difficult when dealing with a bludgeoner), or go to pastoral counseling with her (always hard on the ego). Certainly, he should pray for holiness, self-control, self-denial, and so on. But his primary concern should not be self. He didn’t marry her so that he would become holy. He married her because he loved her, and the most loving thing he can do for her is to help them have a marriage worthy of Christ. He is what marriage is all about.

If your response to this is, “Yeah, that sounds good, but you don’t know my spouse,” or “It’s too late for us, we’re too far down the river,” or “Our marriage could never be that wonderful,” or “I’m broken, damaged goods, there’s no hope for me,” let me remind you who Jesus is. He’s the one who spoke the universe into existence. He’s the one who tells the oceans to go this far but no farther. He’s the one who tells every lightning bolt where it should go. He’s the one who made a worshipper out of Abraham, a leader out of Moses, a psalmist out of David, an apostle out of Saul. He is in the business of changing hearts, attitudes, ambitions, thoughts, and passions. If His Spirit can make you love Him, He can make you and your spouse love each other. Why would He not want to do that in your marriage? Is yours the one exception, the one relationship about which He doesn’t care whether it accurately reflects His love for the Church? Seek Him, ask Him, plead with Him, work with Him, love Him, and believe Him. He loves marriage, even yours.

 

Parenting

In the Fear and Admonition “of the Lord”

Our goals as Christian parents must be more about Christ’s aims than society’s. If our kids make it to their mid-20s or so having avoided major embarrassment and jail time, we feel pretty good about ourselves. If they have a decent job and an above-average spouse, we feel very good. Such ambitions may be admirable by cultural standards, but they are paltry for believers in the Lord Jesus. Remember, our children were created for Him. They exist to glorify Him. They were entrusted to parents to teach and show them how.

Raising children in the fear and admonition of the Lord involves more than simply telling them to shun evil and do good. We fail if our sights are set any lower than the crown on Christ’s head. For example, lying is not to be avoided because it can get a fellow in trouble or because one falsehood leads to another and another until it’s one big mess. Lying is unworthy of a person who lives to serve the Truth. A person who wants to exalt Christ will speak words that edify and encourage, things lies don’t do. Likewise, pre-marital sex is a distortion of Christ’s committed love for His people. And stealing is unbecoming to those who know the One who gave His life for their salvation. And he who loves Jesus will seek to be controlled by His Spirit rather than drugs and alcohol. And laziness prevents the proper devotion the King deserves from His subjects. And…see the point? Christ’s supremacy is our goal, not nice boys and girls who stay out of trouble.

This is not to say that college, jobs, and marriages are unimportant. But they must be seen and encouraged from the vantage point of what gives Jesus first place. A man does not have to be a preacher nor a woman a missionary to exalt Him. But their paths of life should be chosen according to those trajectories which point most clearly to His throne. If a boy shows giftedness in business, his parents should teach him to use his resources and entrepreneurial genius purposefully for Christ’s glory. A young woman should be encouraged in her desires for marriage, but not simply so she can settle down, live a good life, have a nice home, and enjoy the American dream. She should seek a man who wants to partner with her in praising Jesus explicitly in all that they do.

Christian character should take priority over skill development (without neglecting the latter). Teaching a child to express love, show grace, serve others, refrain from grudges and revenge, speak truth, remain loyal, and other virtues should be at the top of our lists as parents. Instruction in how to study God’s Word, how to participate in corporate worship, and how to pray should predominate. And none of these should be presented with a “check-box” motivation. They aren’t to be done because they’re the “right things to do.” They should be expressions of allegiance and worship to the Lord Jesus. They are ways to demonstrate an obsession for Christ like a hug demonstrates an affection for a sister.

I haven’t said anything unknown or revolutionary here. Yet, my observation of parents reveals that very few are willing to exert the necessary and painstaking effort required to raise kids who are devoted to exalting Christ. It’s much easier to train in life skills and acceptable behavior. We are noticeably proud of the athletic or intellectual accomplishments of our kids, while leaving the hard work of Christian education to pastors, or teachers, or chance.

Why Parents Should Discipline Their Children

When your child acts selfish, does it shock you? When he disobeys (again!), are you surprised? Do you set aside your belief in the sinfulness of all mankind when the “all” includes your kid? We should be surprised when the little reprobates do obey. But more to the point, how do you react when a child breaks your rules? Does it provoke anger? irritability? impatience? Are you frustrated that she would dare contradict your authority?

If so, you are not thinking Christianly. The only reason a father has authority over his son is because God has given it to him. And there is a specific outcome expected from that authority. Children are to be taught how to please Christ. So, the real tragedy of a rebellious daughter is that she is turning against her Lord, not her mother. The task of the mother is to turn her back. The fact that disobedience is disruptive to mother’s plans is irrelevant. Ultimately, mom is just a servant, too. Her appropriate service is to help her child learn to see Christ’s worthiness of love and worship.

 

Singleness

“Being single…” for some it means freedom and fun. For others it means loneliness and longing. For both, it should mean greater opportunity to serve Christ. Marriage and family are wonderful gifts, but they also demand our time and attention in huge amounts. A person without these demands is free to apply more energy to ministry, edification, and so on. Her longing should be to serve Christ more fervently and extensively.

Single men and women who use their “extra” time to hone their rock climbing skills should go back and read 1 Corinthians 7 again. The Bible’s perspective is apparent. They have more time to seek out ways of honoring Christ. Their ambitions should be directed toward giving Him first place. They have extra time to serve in formal church ministry, more time to enjoy true fellowship with other believers, more time to study and teach, more time to meet with a discouraged brother and point him to hope in Christ, more time to spend proclaiming the gospel to unbelievers, more time to use their gifts for the benefit of Christ’s people. All other pursuits must be secondary and squeezed in through the cracks of purposeful, Christ-exalting efforts.

 

Conclusion

Much more could be said about marriage, parenting, and singleness, but I hope this is enough to get you to think about how to be intentionally Christ-obsessed in each of them.